LightSpring Transformations

 

Why is there a lack of passion our marriage and is there anything we can do to improve that?

It is helpful to keep in mind the nature of this agreement that exists between you. Your husband, on the one hand, represents in many ways for you a buffer of sorts, between you and the rest of the world as well as between you and your inner feelings. Through him and beside him you feel the safety of being yourself without having to really delve too deeply into painful territory of what you perceive as the inner you. You can safely reside in the image you have made of yourself through your relationship with him, and never really “see” yourself for the inner portion that is truly you. If you knew that what you would find there wasn’t actually frightening, you would be able to make a shift in your relationship, but as of yet you have been unable to choose to do so because of long-held beliefs about yourself, your worth, and relationships.

Your husband, on the other hand, also perceives a safety net in you, where he again can see himself as a certain type of person, one who would have a wife and perhaps a family, and he can derive much of his identity through this attachment. Both of you are then denying who you really are inside. Lest you think us judgmental, know that this is a common choice to make in Western society at this time and is part of the developing societal definition of marriage and relationship.

Therefore, the true passion that you feel “must” be present within a “real” relationship does not exist between you. What you have is, for all intents and purposes, a business relationship. You each provide to the other a service and an identity. There is nothing wrong with this and it actually hearkens back to an earlier practice within marriage when this was common. However, the struggle begins when you form expectations of love and marriage that fall outside the actuality that you perceive and realize between you. Therefore there is a struggle within each of you of expectations versus reality.

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